solace in intimacy, an op-ed about love by pikachu, the kid.

Hello, i’m pikachu, the kid and I haven’t had a girlfriend for about 5 years now.

I have been doing alright, however, things aren’t entirely perfect inside.

There is one side of me that feels perfectly ok; he is glad that he is not bound to the singular role of commitment towards a partner. He is free to explore the open world and meet friends, acquaintances, possible love interests and hookups.

The other side feels lonely; although he has many friends (some of whom are girls), he craves the attention that a traditional romantic partner would provide to him. He feels unloved, unwelcome and generally lost amongst peers who seem to have a general and clear direction in their lives.

Now, I am not explicitly saying that if you have a boy/girlfriend/SO, you are a piece of shit and I want you to fuck off; no, it is absolutely not that, rather it is the opposite.

I really find joy in seeing specific pairs within my friends that really, really like each other becoming partners in a really good relationship. Those kinds of people that you see together and think “yeah, I saw this coming, they really like each other.” are the perfect embodiments of the type of companionship that I wish I could have.

If I were to clearly explain why I am complaining about not being in a relationship, I would start by mentioning something that affects me.

Let’s start with this:

The song Best Friend by Rex Orange County absolutely makes me want to fucking cry whenever it comes on my Spotify playlists. I try to avoid it most of the time, but I force myself to listen to it whenever I run out of skips.

This song fucks me up as much as Marvin’s Room would do for Drake stans, or even worse if I feel really sad.

Among the many interpretations of its lyrics by blogs and on Genius, here’s my interpretation:

The song is about being in the “friend zone” and the pain from the realizing your role in someone’s life; although you can be emotionally attached to a person based on how they make you feel, those feelings have to be explicitly mutual.

If they want to be your boy/girlfriend/SO, they have to say so. It is a two-way ordeal.

Each and every time I listen to this song, I think about certain people who have put me in the “friend zone”, and how they are doing. I also tend to think about why I am put in the “friend zone” in the first place; Is it because I present myself too effeminately, or my mannerisms towards girls, or the hint of bisexuality that I have displayed throughout high school?

No, absolutely not. As much I feel like turning back time and reversing everything, Rex does have a point.

The reason I cry is that of denial, essentially rejecting the fact that they may or may not have emotionally helped me in one form or another to take the place of someone whom I would be in an actual boy/girlfriend/SO relationship with.

It is toxic, it is bad and I can say with full confidence that I still fall into this emotional trap. It is only with wisdom and age that I finally know how to handle this like an adult.

Although I am content with such feelings, time and time again, I feel this sense of uneasiness whenever feelings of anxiety kick in; where I feel that I need someone to comfort me in a way that only a boy/girlfriend/SO can only do.

This is the reason I decided to take the time to voice out my thoughts and write this opinion piece.

I miss talking on the phone until the wee hours of the morning. I miss the hugs and kisses that comfort my fragile heart. I miss the feeling that someone cares about me.

The other side tells me otherwise. I don’t need a boy/girlfriend/SO for someone to legitimately care about me, and my well-being if I am not able to provide likewise. The important part is to value what they provide for the purpose of the greater good.

That’s the lesson I learned but mostly forgotten.

This is still a story left mostly unwritten, as I am still a young kid learning the intricacies of love, whose perceptions of such have been shaped by Degrassi and various Korean dramas. As my life continues, I hope that I learn from my mistakes whenever I look back on this essay as much as I count the various grammatical mistakes and fallacies.

- Pikachu the Kid